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running to a constellation
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| The Next One After It All |
[Oct. 26th, 2009|06:06 pm] |
Another birthday where you're not here. The second birthday where the meaning of Birthday is lost, because you've gone on to another place. Another birthday where I hope you're laughing, wherever you are.
I miss my friend. So much. Something's blocking me from finding the words to say so, from being able to write a few sentences or even a paragraph about how I feel. I can't. I can't reach the feelings anymore.
And then, unexpectedly, they come flooding, and I have to stop trying.
Happy birthday. Thank you for challenging me to be someone better, every step of the way. I'm still lost... but maybe I won't be forever.
Love always. |
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| A Quarter to Midnight |
[Oct. 22nd, 2009|06:51 pm] |
"Everyone keeps calling me strange. Unusual. I mean, these are my friends saying this." I turn my head from his chest and look up a little bit and meekly inquire, "Am I?"
He's playing with the handmade bracelet on my wrist, like he's supposed to. "Yeah, you are. You're unusual." I know he doesn't even want to be here.
"Oh."
I'm genuinely confused if not a bit curious because really, what's so strange about me. Sure I look odd but if anyone had gotten past that, it was him, at least today. And the other days. I turned my head back, laying my cheek against his skin, this way of being that's supposed to be intimate but really it's just matter-of-fact. I let down my entire gender by pressing on, by mumbling the question, "Why?"
He's silent. He's not moving.
"You're unusually sad."
This stoney feeling courses through my body then, because I know he's probably right. I just hadn't known he could tell. I didn't really realize anyone could tell. I stopped writing journal entries, I don't often post whiney status updates, I just about never ever call my friends up complaining or crying about anything. I must *look* sad. I must *act* sad. Sadness must permeate me. I smell sad. I'd just spent an evening portraying joy and inhibition and carefree splendor and I am still somehow sad. It's eating me, sadness. It's destroying me. How could he know?
I asked him to get me some water, because I know how you lose a little piece of your dignity when you shed a tear on a stranger. Even strangers that see right through you. Don't worry though--I managed not to cry. He came back with the water and I smiled gratefully. The truth of it is, we can't ever escape much in this world--let alone ourselves, but for a little while before that conversation, he'd made this terribly sad creature forget herself.
And all it really took was another grin to get him to do it again. |
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| Happy Anniversary Day |
[Oct. 19th, 2009|09:54 pm] |
"Robert H. Goddard became interested in space when he read H.G. Wells' science fiction classic The War of the Worlds when he was 16 years old. His dedication to pursuing rocketry became fixed on October 19, 1899.
While climbing a cherry tree to cut off dead limbs, he imagined, as he later wrote, "how wonderful it would be to make some device which had even the possibility of ascending to Mars, and how it would look on a small scale, if sent up from the meadow at my feet." For the rest of his life, he observed October 19 as "Anniversary Day", a private commemoration of the day of his greatest inspiration."
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| :\ |
[Sep. 11th, 2009|05:53 pm] |
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I miss my Livejournal. |
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| Some Final Business in this Journal: 2008 In Review? |
[Dec. 31st, 2008|06:24 am] |
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
I don't think I have an answer for this. That's a bit sad, no?
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't really make resolutions, but I have made myself some promises.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one close, but I have pregnant friends currently, and Chanel had a little boy this year--I just rarely ever get to see her!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully not this year, no.
5. What states/countries did you visit?
I had gone to Toronto. I never took a trip anywhere else this year, though I went to Maryland to visit my sister but that doesn't even count anymore.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
True love, better health. True love.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I think the whole year has been a wash. I've seen aspects of myself and my life deteriorate into very little and it has scared me. I want to be a happy person, and I want to learn how to love others.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I finished graduate school/my Masters degree.
9. What was your biggest failure?
My relationship with James, the way I treated myself.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had a twisted knee from an incident at the horse shelter, but that was more-so an inconvenience than an injury. But 2008 has ended with an 'illness' or whatever you'd like to call it...we're still trying to figure out what it is though.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I was conservative about my money this year. Jim gave me a Holga though! He and I had fun the other day shooting photos, though he used his fancy camera while I tried the Holga for the first time. It was a lot of fun.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friends. They know who they are.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
"Appalled" is a bit harsh, but James.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, shelter, gas.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My trip to Toronto in May; seeing York U.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"Tear In Your Hand"..."Hey There Delilah" gives me bittersweet memories of last New Year's though.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? Much sadder.
Thinner or fatter? A bit fatter.
Richer or poorer? A bit richer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Photography, going to the movie theater, love, exercise.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Fighting, blaming myself.
20. How will you be spending Christmas in 2008?
I spent it with my family.
21. How will you be spending New Year's?
I was in a lot of pain yesterday, but I woke up this morning feeling better so it looks like I'll be at a party!
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I already was in love in 2008. Unfortunately he stopped loving me back, so perhaps in 2009 I can fall in love with myself. And someone special.
23. How many one-night stands?
Sigh, none.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter!
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm. I got in touch with more obscure New Wave from the 80s.
28. What did you want and got?
I guess my MA. And a job, even though it's a mediocre job.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Oh I don't know, I was a stranger from the theater most of the year. I did enjoy Persepolis and Slumdog Millionaire a lot though. I also thought W. was far more interesting than expected.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 29, and Jim took me out for a drink. The end. I had been hoping to celebrate with James and friends, but he never came down here and I never organized my friends. So Jim is wonderful for making sure my birthday didn't stink.
32. What one thing would have made your year?
Feeling loved, for real.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Concept?
34. What kept you sane?
The horses probably. At least they tried to.
35. Who did you miss?
Bryan, James when I didn't see him.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't think I met anyone new this year either.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
He's Just Not That Into You.
38. A quote or song lyric that sums up your year:
"All the world is all I am, the black of the blackest ocean and the tear in your hand." |
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| "Garbage day!" |
[Dec. 27th, 2008|01:16 am] |
We held the annual Silent Night Deadly Night 2 screening this evening. Ahhhh, laughz.
We were doing crafts while we watched the movie, and drinking beers and having a general good time while a couple of the boys were going at it with some shooting game I forgot the name of now. Whatever it was, it's a Part 2 shooting game.
I'm probably not going to post much more to this journal other than an end of 2008 thing...we'll see how the Journal Flip experiment goes but I made my new LJ a paid account, so that's going to be The One. For those that haven't added it yet, I'm going to be adding those of you who I really don't want to lose touch with soon enough. So, hop on the bandwagon...all the cool kids are doing it. |
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| "Can't make it all alone, I've built my dreams around you." |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|02:03 pm] |
I was so horomonally messed up and in crampy discomfort last night that I watched that movie P.S. I Love You late into the night. I swear, it's only because Gerard Butler is beautiful, and it makes me swoon in unbelievable ways when someone calls someone "love." You know, "Goodnight, love," and "would you like another glass, love" and "things will be alright, love" and "oh love, this dinner you made tastes funny, eh?" You get the idea. Butler plays an Irishman and it's the foreign guys that are more prone to using that term of endearment, sadly. God I love it.
Anyhow, I cannot say that this movie was good, because it truly wasn't anything special, although it was fun watching Chris Isaak play a degenerate reminiscent of most men I'd dated in college. I was ambivalent to most of it (besides Gerard Butler) until they were gathered at Butler's funeral (in a bar) and the priest cues up his "favorite song" which was "Fairytale of New York," my favorite Christmas song, ever. Actually, the music used throughout the film was pretty good, but no, I'm not recommending this to anyone. It's too cheesy.
And it's the cheesy moments like this that warp my idea of love, because I wasn't absorbed in the movie at all, emotionally, until this letter had been read towards the end:
"There's only one thing left to say--to tell you how much you moved me, how you changed me. You made me a man by loving me, and for that I am eternally grateful, literally. If you can promise me anything, promise that whenever you're sad or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor for being my wife, I'm a man with no regrets, how lucky am I? You made my life, but I'm just one chapter in yours, there will be more: I promise."
Do people really inspire such things in eachother? I fear I will never, ever know. The only one who had ever said such things to me was so young, and so scared from so little experience in this world, and needed to grow up a little and unfortunately took that opportunity away from himself. And things were ugly that last night, so I hold no comfort there.
It's kinda funny. I grabbed a book off of my bookshelf yesterday afternoon ("Herzog on Herzog"), an innocuous gesture where I had meant to just find a passage quickly, and I flipped open the book to find the post-it note inside that said, "Something to give you a little inspiration as you head into grad school. He'll guide you on your journey." Love, unspokenly, Bryan. Bryan loved notes, he used to hide them around my apartment, and stick them in gifts and cards. Every once in awhile I come across one stuck to a DVD or a book. It shakes up my day, it paralyzes me for a moment, but in the end I am grateful, and I never remove the notes.
But oh gosh, I began this post quoting Hilary Swank movies, and that's unforgiveable. Please just blame this on my broken uterus and wailing heart and don't hold it against me. |
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| "So Happy Christmas..." |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|01:42 pm] |
Every single Christmas card I've received this year has lent me a spark of joy and warmth, so thank you anyone who can read this who has sent one.
Also, I opened the mailbox yesterday and there was an envelope package stuffed in there. I couldn't remember anything I had ordered recently, so it was a big mystery until I noticed that the return address was to Lapeer, MI. My favorite librarian lady lives there, but I wasn't expecting anything from her. To my sheer delight, I opened it up to find a pack of Polaroid film and a really beautiful note on a library-themed postcard that has a nice photo on it. It's the best mail surprise I have gotten in so very long, so a special thank you to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) hannunvaakuna, an incredibly lovely person I've known since my college days on #i.
I also had a nice thai dinner with 2bq this past week, one of those cozy types of meals I never get to really experience anymore. He had brought along a bottle of wine and my christmas gift a bit early, and I could have cried when I opened up the gift bag to find a Holga camera with film. I don't know how to explain it, other than when you feel as lost as I have for many many months now, it's an overwhelming feeling to realize someone out there still 'gets you.' So thank you so much, Jim.
I've set up a new journal. Details to come. It's the one I want to use for things like art and thought and films and observations and anything personal that i feel i can put out there in the world. I may even make it Paid to keep the ads away. A Fresh Start for a New Year and a New Decade, a place to go during this Clean-Up phase of my life. I may keep this one just for personal venting or private thinking, but it will be locked up. Anyone here already is welcome to stay here, but I know people like to slim down friends lists a lot, and my sad little rantings are often of no interest to others.
My paper is due on Tuesday, and I officially have zero pages of 40 (my own goal, it should be 60) in final draft form. I've got a pretty great opening though, and a firm skeleton and about 20 pages of pre-writing, so if I put my mind to it, I can maybe come up with something. It's difficult though, as I'm having an unhappy medical scare, and my heart is very confused and can never seem to find any peace. I have to have that overdue ultrasound on Tuesday, because things have gotten to an unacceptable and scary point. My doctor actually told me I couldn't go to work yesterday, and I have to miss a half day on Tuesday to get the test done, because it shouldn't be delayed any further.
I just want a hug. A long, firm hug, and a voice in my ear telling me that I'm ok just the way I am, no matter how things turn out. |
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| "I'm going to break away from all the chains that bind." |
[Dec. 19th, 2008|06:52 pm] |
I just saw Bruce Conner's Breakaway for the first time. It's a 5-minute short featuring Antonia Christina Basilotta (Toni Basil) dancing, teasing, gyrating and leaping, all in "various states of undress." The film is set to the song "Breakaway" written by Ed Cobb. While I'm more familiar with Conner's collage films, this piece (which he completely shot himself) reflects the same rhythmic imagery and use of flicker--though this time, intriguingly, he creates extra flicker with close-ups of Basil's moving body.
It's one of my favorites now. I particularly loved the outfit that Toni wears in the beginning, the effect it has against the black background. This piece makes you want to get up and dance and feel sexy right along with her.
You were a true hero among us. |
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| Thieving Gorton's Fisherman! |
[Dec. 15th, 2008|09:27 pm] |
So UPS delivered a book I need for my paper to my door this afternoon, at 3:34pm, which was ordered from amazon. Delivery status: Delivered. Location: Front Door.
Nothing was at my front door when I came home.
The thing is, UPS always leaves packages inside our apartment units, so essentially in my hallway. There are 4 apartments per unit. The door to get inside the hallway stays locked.
Nancy Drew says...my drunken idiot neighbor upstairs probably snatched my package. Well, dummy, enjoy Adam Phillips' Equals. My paper sure won't.
* Continues to sit on hold with amazon.com while they contact UPS. Which, by the way, it's bad when the amazon rep says "no matter what happens, please don't hang up, this could take awhile." ha!
** So amazon won't do anything about it until the 18th, which is when UPS has to recover the package. Which is stupid, because it was 2-day shipping, ordered on the 12th in the morning.
*** But they did give me a $10 credit. Considering the book was $15, that's not so bad. I can have a refund issued on Thursday if the book ends up MIA, and still keep the $10. I can live with that.
**** I really don't know why I"m updating this entry, because who on earth would care one bit?
***** However, I had a long chat with my upstairs neighbor, who turns out works for UPS! He told me, "they are very bad. dont' count on them to deliver anything." double ha! |
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| Happy Birthday, to you. |
[Dec. 15th, 2008|01:18 am] |
"Out beyond all ideas of right and wrong, there is a field. I'll meet you there." |
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| "So this is permanence; love-shattered pride. What once was innocence, has turned on its side. " |
[Dec. 14th, 2008|10:53 am] |
"But now Ian Curtis is really, really dead. He had sung his last song. Finito. Out of here. Love tore him apart."
-- amazon.com reviewer for "Control" on DVD
I watched Control last night, a film that my British friend (and music guru) Damon called "good, but very wifey." I had read Deborah Curtis' Touching From a Distance back towards the end of high school, and you know how sometimes you read a book or watch a film, and the details end up completely lost on you ten years later, even if it was great? This book stayed with me, maybe because I was fascinated by Ian Curtis's writing in the first place, maybe because I marveled at what a troubled man he was, maybe because I couldn't understand how a woman could love a man who would do that to her.
Or maybe I couldn't forget the trajectory that lead to Ian Curtis's suicide.
Either way, thinking it over a few years later, I had recognized that the book was very heavy from the troubled-wife perspective, and Anton Corbijn's film pretty much remains in that point of view, but the film does not deteriorate into Lifetime Cliche or anything like that. I was disappointed that this seems to be Corbijn's only feature film, but he had an emotional connection to the band that apparently stayed with him for 25 years. It bleeds through the film, you can tell the filmmakers had much respect for the subject, and the casting was spot-on all around.
In the end, it's a great movie for late-night viewing, it's a greater movie if you're a Joy Division fan, and it's the greatest movie if you've ever been really into Anton Corbijn's music videos. However, it wasn't just love that tore Curtis apart, and I don't think he will ever be really, really dead. He comes back to life in the tone, the melancholy, the torment, and the music of this film. To me, that defines its success.
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| "She can be the third musketeer." |
[Dec. 12th, 2008|09:31 pm] |
Slumdog Millionaire was the best time I'd had in the theater in awhile. Turns out, it's a fairytale that kinda just snuck up on me.
I'm hearting Danny Boyle today. Did anyone else see it?
*bops head to soundtrack and gets up and dances instead of writing more*
Oh, hang on. Before I disappear, I have to just say that I kept staring at the game show host intently, completely convinced it was Peter Sarsgaard doing a character. Turns out, I was pretty wrong!
*goes back to dancing*
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| Here's to you, Jimmy: |
[Dec. 11th, 2008|08:30 am] |
I've had a pretty bad night and an even worse morning.
That aside, they are announcing Golden Globe nominees right this moment.
My fingers are crossed for you, Jimmy Smits. |
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| I'll Sleep in Heaven |
[Dec. 9th, 2008|10:47 pm] |
My life may be a wreck-sorta right now, but aren't I lucky to have the most comfortable bed in the world. I just settled in under the sheets and blankets and snuggled my pillows to read a book until I fell asleep and I thought, "wow, this feels so nice, I must write about it."
I was looking at Eiki 16mm projectors on eBay earlier. I truly dream of having one that works. I'm almost ready, on a depressed whim, to shell out $150 for one that claims to be fully functional... but I promised myself no crazy spending until after the holidays, if ever.
I want Polaroid Film. In fact, my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told her "Polaroid film," and she looked at me funny. It was a compulsive answer.
I want Collin to resurrect the old flea market so we can comb it over for ancient flip books and trashed reels of film that smell bad. Can you do that? Bring it back?
I feel this burning urge to Create. Well, it's more like a prickly feeling in the back of my brain. Maybe I'll get a Holga. Or the Polaroid film. Or the projector.
Or I'll probably go back to bed and read my book and pass out.
You don't think a projector is a stupid purchase...right? |
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| Academic Anorexia: Or, Why I Just Vomited in Panic |
[Dec. 9th, 2008|11:13 am] |
So here I am at work, contemplating my flunking of research writing and thus not graduating, when I thought "huh, wonder when my school apps are due for the phd programs I used to dream about applying for."
So I load up the site for my first choice and there it is:
January 15.
Um.
Honestly I don't even think I can get teanscripts and recommendations by then, let alone a "written work." It's got to get to toronto which means I have to mail it by like january 1 for any guarantee, unless I deliver it myself.
Life. Dreams. I hate you. |
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| Are we the baddies? |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|01:10 am] |
I was chatting with a filmmaker and we got on the topic of how unlikely it is that Tom Cruise could kill a Nazi let alone Hitler and somehow we ended up here:
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| I Will Duran Duran Alone if I Must |
[Dec. 5th, 2008|09:39 pm] |
So almost a year ago, the American Museum of Natural History began an exhibit dedicated to The Horse. I'd been wanting to check it out, and this was something James and I had planned to do, but he never took the time to visit. It's ending on January 4, and I'd really like to go. So I may just trek into the city alone.
You see, if you keep waiting around for people to do things, you miss everything. At least the lonely spinsters such as myself do.
There are other things....
December 14 - Duran Duran, 5 minutes from my place in Montclair
New Years Eve at the Bowery Ballroom (Amanda Palmer and guests--would be an appropriate show!)
Tue Dec 9, & Thu Dec 11 - Sat Dec 13 • 7:30pm • Brooklyn, NY
"Lightning at our feet" - New York premiere of the Michael Gordon / Ridge Theater multimedia production
Countless movies in the theater...I generally just go alone now.
January 24, Devotchka at Webster Hall...they are still amazing live.
Blah. |
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